Well, hello there, lovely friends. Welcome to Backyard Magic, the show where we come into the backyard, have some tea, talk about some magic. I'm your host, Nicole Berrios, and welcome back, or welcome back to me. Welcome back to you. I took last week off. It felt weird. It feels like I haven't done an episode in forever, and it's only been a week. Time has no meaning anymore. Does anybody feel like that? Like, really, time just has no meaning anymore. So, anyways, hello everybody. I hope y'all had a good couple weeks. It's good to be back. Feel like I'm getting back on the horse. Alright, so what is in my mug today? Today is just a green tea sort of day. And the reason for that is because I made myself a big vat of herbs and I forgot to pour them into a jar. And I didn't I feel so bad when I do this. I basically my entire thing of tea went to waste. Well, I guess it's not going to go to waste because I watered plants with it, but I didn't get to drink it. That it wasn't my intention to water plants with my tea, but that's what happened because I I just forgot. I like made it in the morning and then just got sidetracked and completely forgot to pour it into the pitcher. Or like I've got mason jars that I pour it into, and then they just go in the fridge, and then I've just got them, like got my tea for the week, and then I just like heat it up every morning. It's like my my little ritual. Like, dang it. Like it probably would have been fine, but I don't know. If anybody's ever had food poisoning, yeah, I just didn't want to take that chance. Those herbs have been sit sitting there for like 12 hours. I'm just like, no. So I haven't had a chance to make more tea and actually put it into the jars. And I was in kind of a rush this morning, so today was just a good old-fashioned green tea day with my local honey. You know, I can't live without it. And so far I feel okay. I think I've been able to drink like a more mild green tea without getting the crazy caffeine weirdness that I get. So hooray for that. Alright. But I guess like me forgetting my about my herbs, it's kind of like the theme of the last couple of weeks. Not necessarily forgetting things, but just being off. Being totally off. It was kind of this is like part of what inspired the topic for this episode today. And I don't know if it's the moon, because we just had the full moon like last night, and I'm pretty sure Mercury just went retrograde, which I'm it I'm a Gemini, and I've got like a what is it called? It's a celllium in Gemini. I've got like four things happening in Gemini, and one of them is Mercury. So, you know, Mercury's the planet that rules Gemini. When Mercury goes retrograde, it hits me particularly hard. My Chiron is in Gemini. Like I just got a lot going on in Gemini. And yeah, I try not to think too much about it because I don't want to like give it too much power, you know. But also, I do have to admit that I just feel a little particularly edgy when Mercury is retrograde. I feel like it's it's hip, like it's become a thing to like talk about Mercury being in the microwave, or what's the other one people say? Gate Gatorade in the microwave. I don't know what people say. All the funny little memes that people have about this particular transit that happens three times a year. I've just been feeling off, I guess, is what I'm trying to say. And my sleep has been off, which isn't atypical for me. But it's been weirdly off. Like I've just been waking up early, which is also not atypical for me in the summertime. It's just hot. Like even with air conditioning, unless you turn it down really, really low, it's just hot at night. Like it's stuffy, you get sweaty, it's gross. And the light, like it gets light out really early. So I've just been waking up earlier than I want to. And I figured last night was gonna be rough because of the full moon. Like, if I'm gonna have an insomnia night, it's usually on the full moon. Um, so I just I woke up at 3 30 and couldn't go back to sleep. But I guess what I what I wanted to talk about was something I just really understood that it was happening last night when I couldn't sleep. And it's that I've been feeling blocked from my intuition. And like I've I don't know, I've been I've been feeling off the last couple of weeks, which is why I didn't do an episode last week. I just wasn't feeling magical or it's just feeling blah, which is fine, like we're all allowed to feel blah at certain times. I'm not knocking myself for that. But last night in particular, it finally just clicked. I was like, I feel blocked from my intuition. And I I was so like disturbed by this because I've I've come to just be really, really familiar. I don't know, it's almost like second nature. Like my intuition is just something that I'm always tapped into. And what this means to me, like, is just being aware of what's going on with me, what I'm feeling, what I'm experiencing, like how the world around me feels. It helps me to like better understand the people around me. It helps if I'm doing any sort of divination, like if I'm doing tarot readings, like all of this is just, I don't know. It's like I'm I feel like I'm typically plugged into the universe. And last night I just wasn't. I mean, granted, nobody is their best selves at 3:30 in the morning when they should be asleep and they're annoyed that they're not asleep. So I realize that that's not the best time to be, you know, making having grand thoughts about anything. But it was just, I don't know. I I feel like it got brought to my attention because I needed to sit with it, and it kind of made me realize how much I've grown since I started doing my healing journey. And I I don't know, I don't think I've like told the full story of Nicole. I feel like we would be here for 10 years if I were to do that. But for the first 23, yeah, 23 years of my life, so this is almost 20 years ago now. First 23 years of my life, I look in hindsight now, I call it I I lived in the fog of unenlightenment. I can't think of a better term for that, but that's now that I'm on the other side of it, that's exactly what it feels like or what it felt like. I just I wasn't tuned in at all. I had so many like suppressed emotions, I didn't know how to how to talk and communicate. Like I I had so many friendships throughout school, all school, like middle school, high school, college, like beyond, fall apart because I didn't know how to communicate. And the problem was I didn't know that I didn't know. And like I had friends that would get mad at me for not telling them things, and I didn't understand why they were mad at me because I didn't talk about anything to them, like nothing substantial, you know, like I wouldn't talk about my inner feelings or share important things. And I just thought that that was normal. It like didn't even occur to me that you you were supposed to do that because I didn't grow up feeling safe being able to do those things to anyone. So it just became normal. Like I said, Chiron and Gemini. Like I've got communication issues, which is ironic that I have a podcast. It's part of my my healing, my therapy for um getting through this Chiron and Gemini problem. But I had many friendships fall apart. And you know, I was like devastated. Oh, I also had anxious attachment in there too, which I didn't know about at all. I actually didn't know about the anxious attachment until about two years ago, like just before I turned 40 or just after I turned 40, somewhere around there, which is crazy to me. Like I spent my whole life with all of these issues, really, really big issues, and I had no idea that I had them. Hence why I call it the fog of unenlightenment. Like I just had no idea that I had all of these things that I needed to work through. So the next 20 years of my life is when I started to work on all those things, and it was never like a conscious decision, it just kind of unhap like unfolded that way, and it just happened. And this is like how my healing journey like went, how it went. I and this is like so typical Gemini thing, you know. Like my I would start like trying to unravel one thing, and then my curiosity would get piqued. I would like discover a new technique, and then I would like need to learn everything about that. And this, like, this is how I became an acupuncturist, basically. It's like, ooh, that's cool. Like, I want to learn more about that. By this point, I I was 24 when I discovered acupuncture. Well, first I discovered yoga, then I discovered acupuncture through yoga. That's a whole other story. And I was like, oh my gosh, this is amazing. I want to learn everything about this. But by that point, I had started to understand that I was I I just hopped around from like one interest to another, and I knew that if I was gonna do something as extreme as going to acupuncture school, because it's like a four-year commitment and a shit ton of money, honestly, way more than it should be. That's a whole other topic. I didn't want to just jump into it, so I did have the wherewithal to like sleep on it. I gave myself a year. I was like, by the end of the year, if I still want to do this, then I'm gonna allow myself to do it. Hooray, that was me. Like, I'm an emotional manifester in human design. I'm supposed to like sit through an emotional wave to make a big decision, like going to acupuncture school. So that was like the first time in my life that I could really recall sleeping on something before making a decision. That was way before I knew anything about human design. So go me. But yeah, I went to acupuncture school and I did that, and like while I was in acupuncture school, like I explored all kinds of other things in my non-existent spare time, and then after acupuncture school, that was when I started shamanic training. So I I don't know, it's like the journey has just unfolded into like this huge healing journey as I've bounced around from like healing method to healing method, and I I finally hit a point where I realize that I don't need to learn how to facilitate all of these different healing methods. I can just be a participant, so that's that's good for me too. I stopped, you know, feeling like I need to sign up for every single course that's out there and like to teach it, and instead I can just do it, which is nice. It's nice. And I I bring all of this up because as I've like gone through all of these things, it's like more and more layers of my first 23 years of life have like come through, come up, come, come up to the surface for me to like process it and deal with it. And the further along I've gotten, the more I've realized, like, wow, I really didn't know anything about myself those first 23 years of life. Like what a mess I was. And I because of all this, it's almost like I had blinders on around everything. Like, I was definitely not connected to my intuition then. I didn't, I didn't even know how to talk to people, let alone like what my feelings about anything actually were, which is why I didn't talk to people. Like I didn't, I didn't know, like I didn't process any of my own feelings. Like, why would I talk to other people about things I didn't even know were happening, you know? Man, it's so weird to think back about all of this stuff. It is so weird. Like, this is how I used to be. Like, no wonder my friends decided they didn't want to be friends with me anymore. I wouldn't want to be friends with me. Not like not like that. Like that the to the other to the other people in the friendships, they've probably felt like I didn't trust them because I wasn't sharing anything with them. And like you can't have friendships or relationships without trust. So I get it now. I also understand I have anxious attachment now. Um, so at the time, if people would stop being my friend, it was like a devastating blow, you know. Okay, we're getting we're getting really into some uncomfortable stuff here. I just felt like I needed to lay the groundwork to paint the overall picture that I spent a big chunk of my life being completely cut off from my intuition. And since I started doing all of this healing work on myself, especially the shamanic work, I guess I'm just kind of naturally open now and I'm pretty intuitively connected to everything, to myself, my feelings, like I was saying earlier, the feelings of those around me, the overall vibe in wherever I am, like, you know, in the location that I am and just on earth in general. And the last couple of days, it's like somebody put a blanket over me and and like turned off the light, like a bird, you know, like they just stuffed me in a bird cage, turned off the light, and put a blanket over my cage. And I just feel like I've been cut off. And I didn't realize it until last night when I couldn't sleep. And I was so deeply uncomfortable by it because I realized that I haven't felt that way since my early 20s. And I guess I I've taken it for granted like how open I've actually become and how deeply connected I am to my intuition at this point, so that when I got cut off, when I felt anyways, like I got cut off from it, I was so, so deeply bothered because it was so uncomfortable. I feel better today, like it's kind of perked back up. So I don't, I honestly do not know what whatever caused this, like over the last couple of days. Maybe it was just to like remind me, hey, do you remember when you used to feel like this all the time? So that it can help me understand other people better, I think, because there's a lot of people that will like, you know, go online and look up how do I connect to my intuition? And I've actually thought about doing episodes like that where I teach people how to connect to your intuition, but then I was like, no, everybody knows how to do that at this point. Wrong. Not everybody does know how to do that, and everybody's on different points in their journeys, and then this was a really good reminder for me, like, hey, you used to be one of them. Like, do you remember? Do you remember you didn't know anything? Like, you didn't even know if you were upset about something, like that's how deeply unconnected you were. And I I suppose like everybody's got their own journey. My journey is apparently like one fraught with I call it the school of hard knocks. That's part of being a line three in human design, is I just have to learn everything the hard way. I feel like for a lot of other people who are not line threes, they should have it a little bit easier. Like, not everything has to be this like traumatic, huge, painful, growing pains experience like it has been for me. Although it's getting easier as I get older. So there's that. Oh, this is an episode. But it it definitely made me feel like sympathetic, I suppose, to anybody who feels like I was feeling the last couple of days, like just disconnected from their intuition and wanting to learn how to reconnect. Because I yesterday I pulled tarot cards. It was wild. I pulled tarot cards in the morning and I was able to do that reading just fine. And then I pulled cards a little bit later, and I just couldn't read the cards. And I was like, okay, whatever. One of them was a court card. I kind of struggle with the court cards sometimes. I think a lot of people who read tarot struggle with court cards, so I was just like, nah, whatever. But then I pulled another, my, my full moon spread last night, and I couldn't read those cards to save my life. I like had to pause. I went outside and I walked around and I looked at the moon and I pet my outside cat and was like, okay, cool, I'm gonna come back to it when I'm done. And I went back and I looked at the cards and I was like, I have no idea what any of this means. I was so bothered by this. In fact, those that spread is still sitting out because I never did go back and finish it. I think I just need to like redo it today. Just shuffle the cards, do it, do over, because last night I just could not read those cards. And I was so bothered by it. I'm like, I don't understand like why it was like I was reading Chinese, you know, and like or trying to read Chinese. I'm like, this is an entirely different language. I have no idea what this means. It just looks like like gibberish to me. Obviously, Chinese is not gibberish. I just mean for for somebody who doesn't read Chinese characters, yes, you don't you don't know the alphabet, you don't know the language. That's what tarot was like for me last night. I'm like, I don't understand. Then I'm like trying to connect with my guides, not getting anything, trying to connect with my power animals. They came through a little bit, but I still wasn't feeling the connection, and I was like, this sucks. I think I'm just gonna read a fluff book, you know, like the kind that you just escape into, and then I'm just gonna go to bed. So that's what I did, and then I was up at 3:30. All this to say, not being able to connect to your intuition sucks now that I've been reminded what it feels like to not be able to do that. And I I guess if there's anybody listening to this that has ever been in this situation before where somehow you feel like you've been cut off from your intuition, first I want to tell you that it's okay and that if it's happening, it's probably happening for a reason. I like I said, I'm still not entirely sure why this happened to me, other than to help me be sympathetic to other people who experienced this and to maybe remind me of like how far I've come on my journey because I used to feel like this always, and didn't even know that that's how I was feeling. I was so completely cut off. And I'm I'm sure I will continue to like find meaning from this experience, but I also think it was to serve as a reminder to be very, very diligent about my meditation practice because that's uh one of the best ways for me to like stay connected to myself. So that here's a couple of things that I do to like help keep me like a free and clear channel to be connected to whatever source, the universe, your guides, your spirituality, whatever word you want to use. Meditate. Meditation can look like anything, it can be just sitting quietly. Um, I've I learned vipassana meditation. I'm like, that's another episode altogether. My vipassana story. I just had a friend who did vipassana. I need to reach out to her to see how she did. It's like a 10-day silent meditation retreat that you do. So, anyways, usually vipassana is my go-to if I'm gonna sit and meditate. Um, it's like a body scan type of meditation. You can just put something on insight timer and do a guided meditation. It doesn't really matter. Sometimes I'll just light candles and stare at the candles, and like that can be its own sort of meditation. I've also been a little bit more diligent about doing qi gong. I went to acupuncture school. I had to take six different qigong classes. Overkill, probably. And some of the styles I didn't like at all, and others I loved. And one of the styles that I loved is the one that I do. Like I'll practice it. I I'll fall off the wagon and I'll stop doing it for a while, but then I always come back to it because I feel like it's a really, really good way to get grounded into your body. And it's also for me, anyways, a good way to kind of protect my energy, especially lately, because I've been feeling, except for the last couple days, I've been feeling particularly open and like I just need to be more grounded and centered. And Qigong helps with that. Um, so that is something that I do to like help me stay connected and plugged in intuitively. Acupuncture is really, really good. It it just regulates your nervous system, gets you calm. Oh, it makes it easier for you to plug into source. And that's that's just like straight acupuncture. There's all different types of acupuncture, different styles. Like you can get like receive different styles that specifically work on like chakras or like just help increase your intuition. So all sorts of fun things you can do with acupuncture. But it's all just like simple little practices like meditating, shigong, acupuncture, um, or just being outside and in quiet, like not doing anything, leaving my phone inside, not you know, not scrolling or reading anything. Um, another thing that's also helpful for me in particular is writing. I I think it's this is part of my healing journey of healing that Gemini and Chiron wound or Chiron and Gemini wound is writing. Since I sometimes struggle to communicate with my words through my mouth and my voice, I will communicate with my my written word. And so, like writing things out is oftentimes very, very useful. Um, and I've been leaning on that a lot more lately because I am working on on writing on a larger writing project, so I've just been doing more writing in general, which is all helpful to get me to connect to my intuition. Um and then doing shamanic journeys. So, for anybody who doesn't know how to do a shamanic journey, there's lots of different resources for that. I um I don't think I've talked about this on here before. I I put a course together to help people find power animals or spirit animals, and I like teach how to do a shamanic journey in there, like you do a shamanic journey to meet your power animal. I love it. Power animals are my like my favorite spirit guides to work with most of the time. Um, so like that that's an option. I could link to that in the show notes if anybody's interested in looking at that. Um, but there's lots of different ways you can do shamanic journeys. Like they've they've got some on Insight Timer, like lots of lots of different ways. So these are all ways that I stay connected to spirit and intuition. And like after the last couple of days, I think it was really just telling me that I needed to just kind of clear my energy. So I got up this morning. I was tired because I didn't sleep great, but I got up and I did qigong and I had my tea, even though it wasn't my herbs because I, you know, forgot to pour them out and they went bad. But I had my green tea, I put on my essential oils, like I was doing going through my routines that I do that just help remind me to be grounded and centered because I feel like that's really the biggest thing with intuition and being connected to your yourself or whatever wisdom wants to come through, come through is to be centered, be grounded, and to have your mind as calm and distraction-free as possible. And so these are all the little things that I do to help me with that. So I don't know if this was a helpful episode or not, or if it makes any sense. If it does, cool. If not, sorry. But I I guess if anything, I wanted it to just be like camaraderie if anybody is feeling cut off from their intuition, like hey, apparently it happens. I don't know why it happens, but it does, and it's like very uncomfortable when it does, but you can work through it and figure it out and it'll be good, you know. So that's all I got for you guys for today. My off the cuff, hey, I lost my intuition for a day, and here's what I'm doing to get it back. So, yeah, like I said, if that was helpful, cool. If not, maybe you got some little nugget out of this, or if anything, just finding it interesting. Um, that you can go from being completely disconnected to very connected. You just, you know, gotta put in the work to get there. Hopefully not as much work as I did, but there does have to be some effort. Happy full moon, you guys. I'm pretty sure there was another transit that happened today. Something in Leo, like Jupiter's going into Leo. Apparently, this is gonna be like good luck for the year. That sounds great. I'm I don't really know much about it. I'm gonna have to like listen to my astrology podcast. Um, I it's called the Astrology Lounge. Love her. Um, Stephanie Powers. I love her podcast. I'm gonna go listen to her episode. Maybe you guys should listen to that too, so we could all like figure out what our next year might look like and how we could work with the energy and um have a good year going forward and what to do when you get cut off from your intuition, apparently. So thanks for listening. Have a great week. I should be back next week regularly scheduled. Um, thank you for bearing with me as I missed last week. And yeah, I hope you guys are having a good summer or winter, and I will talk to you next week. Bye.